Thinking Of Him
by Pan Never Fails
Summary: "Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you Thinking of you What you would do if You were the one Who was spending the night Oh I wish that I Was looking into your eyes" What would you do if you never truly got over your one true love?


Hello everyone! So, this is my first One Direction story, please be kind while reviewing. Also, I changed some names being that it is personal.

* * *

**Thinking Of Him**

I was happy, wasn't I? I was getting married to a wonderful man, Derek, his name was. Today was my wedding day, I was getting married in a little over seven hours. I turned on the radio and they were playing Thinking of You by Katy Perry. Here come the memories of the man I truly love.

That damned song always makes me think of him... Harry Edward Styles. My first friend, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first everything. As much as I loved Derek, he would never compare to Harry, never.

You're probably wondering why I'm marrying Derek if I love Harry so much. The answer is simple, Harry died in a car accident three years ago.

_"Comparisons are easily done__  
__Once you've had a taste of perfection__  
__Like an apple hanging from a tree__  
__I picked the ripest one__  
__I still got the seed"_

I've always compared Derek to Harry. They way they hugged me, they way they kissed me, the way they- oh, you get the point. Derek just wasn't as good as Harry.

_"You said move on__  
__Where do I go__  
__I guess second best__  
__Is all I will know"_

Derek told me to move on from Harry. I still remember the exact words he told me. "He's dead, get over him. Can't you get it into your little head that he died?!" Yeah, Derek's not the perfect guy, he's jealous of Harry. Jealous of how I still love a guy that died three years ago. He still get's mad that he'll always come in second to Harry.

_"Cause when I'm with him__  
__I am thinking of you__  
__Thinking of you__  
__What you would do if__  
__You were the one__  
__Who was spending the night__  
__Oh I wish that I__  
__Was looking into your eyes"_

Even though I'm content, being with Derek, I wish it was Harry. I wish it was Harry I was getting married to, I wish it were him that would be at the alter waiting for me, I wish it were him I would say 'I do' to

_"You're like an Indian summer__  
__In the middle of winter__  
__Like a hard candy__  
__With a surprise center__  
__How do I get better__  
__Once I've had the best__  
__You said there's__  
__Tons of fish in the water__  
__So the waters I will test"_

I realized I had a crush Harry when I was thirteen and he was fourteen, we both hit puberty around the same time, he started working out and developed a six pack over time. Whenever he hugged me, I always felt warmer, safer even. No one was better than Harry in my opinion. When he died, everyone said I'd meet someone else. I was stubborn, saying that I wouldn't meet anyone, that I'd live alone with 106 cats, but my stubbornness faded when I met Derek.

_"He kissed my lips__  
__I taste your mouth__  
__He pulled me in__  
__I was disgusted with myself"_

For the first few months, I felt disgusted with myself for falling for Derek. Every time he kissed me, I was reminded of the way Harry kissed me and imagined that it was Harry, and the taste of Harry's mouth was in mine.

_"Cause when I'm with him__  
__I am thinking of you__  
__Thinking of you__  
__What you would do if__  
__You were the one__  
__Who was spending the night__  
__Oh I wish that I__  
__Was looking into..."_

As the song goes on, I ran to the bathroom, yes, it was my wedding day, but I needed Harry, he was the one, he was my saviour once, but now he'll be the death of me.

_"You're the best__  
__And yes I do regret__  
__How I could let myself__  
__Let you go__  
__Now the lesson's learned__  
__I touched it I was burned__  
__Oh I think you should know"_

I sang along with Katy as I opened the cabinet and thought about the last time I did what I was about to to. I was 15, and getting teased about my weight, when I look back, I realize that I wasn't even a pound over-weight. I had stopped eating and started cutting, I had been anorexic, trying to fit in. Well that was until Harry found me in the corner of my bathroom, cutting my wrist. He had persuaded me to stop by telling me he loved me. He also asked me to be his girlfriend that night. Harry made me happy, he stopped me from ever cutting again and had helped me through the anorexia.

_"Cause when I'm with him__  
__I am thinking of you__  
__Thinking of you__  
__What you would do if__  
__You were the one__  
__Who was spending the night__  
__Oh I wish that I__  
__Was looking into your eyes__  
__Looking into your eyes__  
__Looking into your eyes"_

I put down the blade for a moment and picked up my eyeliner, not like I'd have any use for it anymore. Going over to the mirror, I wrote "I'm sorry, I love him, I tried, and I can't live without him."

I brought the blade to my wrist and made the first few cuts, then I did the same to my left. "Harry, I've loved you since I met you, I just realized that I did when I was fourteen. You saved me, now you're death of me." I whispered before cutting deeper into my arms.

My arms were now full of blood by the time I started getting dizzy. I sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. A half hour later, everything faded to black, hopefully, I was dead.

_"Oh won't you walk through__  
__And bust in the door__  
__And take me away__  
__Oh no more mistakes__  
__Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..."_

I opened my eyes to a bright light and a boy with brown curly hair and emerald green eyes hovering above me. Harry.

"Harry," I breathed. "Why, Nicole, why?" he whispered.

"I had to Hazza, I didn't love him, I love you! With your curly hair, your cheeky smile, you're gorgeous laugh. I need you Haz." I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

"Nic, I love you, too. You could've been happy if you tried-" I cut him off.

"Harry listen to me! I tried, I tried to find love again! I just couldn't!"

"Oh, com here," he opened his arms and I walked over to him. He pulled me into a bear hug. "I missed you," he whispered in my ear. I laughed, he pulled away. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just, dying didn't change you. And you still smell like Armani after shave." He laughed at my reply.

"Oh how I've missed holding you," he said, pulling me closer. I held him tighter, not knowing that down below, in my little apartment, Derek had found my body, lying in a pool of blood, and was crying over me.

*One Year Later*

Derek had moved on and had started dating my best friend, Roxie. As for Harry and I, we had our 'happily ever after' like he promised me we'd have when I was sixteen and he was seventeen. We lived in the clouds, quite literally. We were "married" and took in the twins, Hannah and Louis, the six year olds that Harry befriended sometime in the past four years since he died.

But one thing I knew, and it was that I was finally, truly happy.


End file.
